I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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