Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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