there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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