the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
