It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
