I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
