He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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