Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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