I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Randomize
