I just saw a hot homeless man
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
