There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
