I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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