i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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