I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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