naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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