I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
