he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
