The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
