Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
