please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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