I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
