get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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