Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My ass is underappreciated
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
