Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I could make wine with my vomit
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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