I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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