I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
