Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
