I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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