i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Found the puke drawer
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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