So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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