if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
