Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
