Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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