I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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