anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
