Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
