It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
