one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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