Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
