i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
