I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
