I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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