Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
