508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
