yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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