I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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