So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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