all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
