Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Couch. On fire.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
