He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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