My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
