I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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