so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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